(Part 1/2) I grew up in a polygamous home. I never lived with both parents. I lived with my mum till I was 7 years old and then moved into my dad’s home with a step mum and new siblings. Between my parents, I’m the only child and that made me feel like I didn’t really belong anywhere because other siblings had somebody else that was from the same mum and dad, and so I often felt alone.
Though my step mums didn’t treat me badly (they were actually quite lovely), I was always insecure, trying to be heard, trying to be loved, because I just didn’t feel like I had it. For a long time, I didn’t even know if I deserved any kind of love. I was just the most insecure person. I went through life like that and became quite careless.
In university, I would party and have boyfriends. I made so many bad decisions. In the midst of all my partying and stuff, I started feeling tired. I became miserable. I’d snap at everybody. I wouldn’t talk to anyone. I just didn’t want people around because I was so lost and frustrated. I started losing friends. My dad’s Muslim and my mum’s a white garment Christian, so my idea of God and having a relationship with him was so convoluted.
One day, I decided to go to church. I went the first time, and the next and then every time they asked people to come forward if we wanted to be prayed for, I’d always go forward. This happened every Sunday and people wondered what was wrong with me, but I felt like I had lived such a life that I had to keep going forward to ask God for forgiveness.
On one particular Sunday, I felt the burden lift and experienced God’s love. I began reaching out to my friends. I started becoming a bit more secure but I still had work to do. When I started dating the man who is now my husband, I felt I wasn’t good looking enough, and no matter how much he told me he loved me even in my most natural state, I just had a problem believing it, because nobody had ever really told me before. I couldn’t see myself as God saw me – beautiful and the apple of his eye.
When I got married and lost my daughter, my insecurities really came back.
(Read the concluding part of this story on our website.)